*there she goes my beautiful world!*
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Saturday, November 25, 2006
Money>
I thought money was not so important for me, I was wrong, it seems to be very cucial now because I have various bills to pay, and I want to live a comfortable life, I mean, in this city. Vivian is not a materialistic person, she can survive without eating restaurant food and wearing branded clothes, sometimes, maybe she just need to prove that she can afford them. My parents always wish their daughter to have a better life than they do, namely a richer life, so I must work harder to fulfill this goal. My goal is to be rich, at least I don't need to think twice of buying expensive cosmetics. This goal is not well defined, but I'm still trying. And I hope my wife will think the same too, not only about buying a car, but it's about the attitude of making decisions to gain more.
I've been married for some time, unfortunately we will only have our official wedding after I clear my debts...
Monday, November 20, 2006
A Love Story>
I get to be jealous easily, this time, the jealousy came from her past love story. It took quite long for her to fall in love with me and to be assured of this love, I struggled, took some time to wait and to think of whether I should keep waiting. She finally gave up her ex and chose me, I was some kind of third party, the ex never stop cursing me. I feel sorry, but I didn't have chance to appologise, in fact, it is not necessary since she's full of hatred.
They didn't quarrel to part, even saw each other for movie the week after, until the day the ex found out that she's actually very close to me already. The ex found someone else shortly after their breakup, we both wish the ex will be fine since we both feel guilty. But what the hell is guilty? Neither of us should feel so. I did take away something, but I didn't steal. Now, I found that myself became a victim, I had this dream for 3 times, the ex takes her back, and I lost my everything, then I become the one who's full of hatred and curse others. Yes I'm scared. I'm not confident enough because I came out from nowhere, I'm a foreigner, this sounds stupid, but it is still valid, especially on this island.
They had happy times together, that's why until now I still don't feel very secure, sometimes when I read their old writings, I feel so jealous, they really loved each other so much, that kind of passion and romance, will never show again. This is what she told me. She's not gonna do any thing crazy like before, simply because of she grew up, she loves me maturely. I enjoy her mature love, yet still quetioning why I don't deserve a crazy love.
And one thing unpleasant happened today, something about my nickname, I used to call myself "banshee", aspiration from a poem. The ex spent her Halloween in London and she happened to hear people say this word, she mocked my name, said that" Who on the earth would love a ghost?". I didn't know London people also use this word, because it comes from Irish legend. I didn't feel offended, I'm totally fine with this nickname, I should go and tell the ex that I once used the nickname " ghost " as well. I'm fascinated with things human beings always imagine but never take control over them. And the ex probably doesn't know that actually there's a band called " Siousie & Banshees".
I really had a difficult period when I just got her, no one blessed me, she's the only one who stood at my side. But I didn't care, I love bravely, my love is legal. And now she's sleeping on my bed like a baby, I'm not the one who supposed to feel jealous.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Guilty>
It's exam period, everyone is mugging. I just found myself really lost the motivation, and I myself is blameable. Sometimes, I want to study hard, play hard, live a meaningful life, these are what I want, very simple, but I just can't concentrate. There are too many distractions.
I wish someone would teach me self-discipline, it can't be taught though. A slacker is yelling for help, that's funny.
This beautiful evening, when everyone is studying, everything seems so peaceful, I got my parents' call. They sounded distant. My dad tried to explain why they are not coming in December, he gave ridiculous reasons. I was unhappy, my father still doesn't believe that his daughter is a grown-up already. They don't understand me now, I just hope they come here and have a look, perhaps after that they will have a rough idea how this place looks like and how I'm doing here. Unfortunately they seem to have their difficulties. Lesley said that I should "think in their shoes", I did, and felt guilty. I wish I will be successful in future, and I'm able to bring them here for a tour, not asking them to come. I mean, I will pay everything. But now, I'm on loan, where the hell I have the right to say so? Fiancial problem, that's a really funny term.